Torn
by tsuki akina
Summary: [KakaSaku angst, implied SasuSaku][Oneshot] As she relucantly accepted the proposal she felt she had no way out of, her only thought was how she would tell the man who owned her heart.


**A/N: Well, this is finally going up. I started this story, hated it, left it for four months, read it again, loved it, and decided to finish it. There is more I could do to it, but I really don't want to. It's taken me long enough. Hope it's to your liking, nice and angsty.**

**Many, many thanks to pink rapid for being my first true beta. As this is the first KakaSaku I've actually set out to write, this is for the KakaSaku LJ community! (Hopefully they can forgive me for the SasuSaku.)**

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"Marry me." 

Sakura gasped and nearly dropped the spoon into the soup she was stirring. She turned abruptly toward the ebony-haired man accompanying her in his kitchen. "What?"

Sasuke met her eyes squarely. "You heard what I said. Marry me," he repeated.

"Wh-why?"

Sasuke dropped his eyes to the table. His reply was short and quiet. "I want you. I need you. I have to have you with me." Had this quotation been voiced by another's lips, Sakura could have accepted on the spot. But when the words came from him, there was no romance meant in them.

Sakura began again to stir the soup. The path of the spoon made a shaky spiral as her hand quivered. "I just don't know, Sasuke. This is all so…sudden."

"You're comfortable enough in my house," he said, as though that were reason enough. "We've known each other as long as we can remember. There's…no one else in my life." When she made no further response he sighed. "Sakura. You know my first goal was to kill Itachi. That's been completed. My second was—"

"To repopulate your clan." She finished his sentence in hardly more than a whisper.

"Yes." In the silence that followed, Sakura took two bowls down from a cupboard and filled them with the steaming broth and noodles. She carried them to the table and placed one in front of Sasuke, another in front of an empty seat.

Sasuke picked up his chopsticks with a nod of thanks. "Have you decided?"

"Decided?" Sakura blurted out, pausing before sinking into a chair. "Sasuke, you're—you're asking me to spend the rest of my life with you. That's a pretty—that's a big deal." Yet even as she spoke she knew what her answer would be. What other choice did she have? It had now been six months since the horrific conclusion to the war with Orochimaru's forces. The war that made Naruto Hokage. The war that left half the people she knew dead.

The war had also brought Sasuke back to them, hostile and half-crazed after destroying his brother. His traitorous turn of nine years back had been forgotten in the mayhem, but of his own accord he became like a prisoner in his own home. It became almost habit for Sakura to visit him, preparing meals or hesitantly doing some cleaning. Against both of their wills, he started to depend on her.

She had no one else. She hardly saw the few friends remaining in her life. Naruto was constantly occupied. All she had besides Sasuke was…_him_. But that path led to nothing but a dead end.

She couldn't think about it any longer. "Yes. Yes, I'll marry you, Sasuke."

He lifted his gaze from his bowl and nodded. "Good." Their conversation, though always sparse, somehow felt even emptier. She had accepted his proposal. There was nothing more to be said, minus a brief, half-hearted dialogue pertaining to wedding plans. Sakura's heart ached all through it.

When she rose to leave, he followed her to the door. She said her usual goodbye, to which he did not answer . Then they both stood in the entranceway awkwardly. It seemed that something more should be added, according to their new status of "betrothed". When she did not move he leaned forward and placed a curt, cold kiss on her cheekbone. Both recoiled slightly at the strange, foreign gesture. They stood for a few more moments in an uncomfortable silence, glances fixated anywhere but on each other. Then Sakura departed.

Shock was the only way to describe Sakura's emotion as she approached her own home. The words "What have I done?" ricocheted about in her head. And how would she find a way to tell _him_—the man who knew her best, the man who owned her heart—her former teacher, Hatake Kakashi?

It was a strange relationship, the likes of which she had never known before. The two had reconnected little in the years after she became a chuunin, acknowledging the fact that she was Tsunade's apprentice. After some time he began training a new genin team. It was the second one he had ever passed. Sakura definitely regretted the lack of communication with the person she'd once seen daily, but between training, missions and work as a medic, there was little time for regret.

Time inevitably flew by, and Sakura inevitably matured. She surprised many people—herself included—when she became a jounin at the age of seventeen. Life was hectic, though not quite hectic enough to discourage the handful of young men who invited her out for coffee or (the daring ones) to their apartments. She accepted a couple of the coffee ones, and although she enjoyed herself decently on each of these engagements, she constantly found herself annoyed by her potential suitors' lack of…substance.

Would she ever really find love, she wondered? Her heart still harboured childhood dreams of a soulmate, someone to spend the majority of her life with.

Three years later, Tsunade designated her to a team assigned to complete an intricate A-Rank mission. By coincidence, fate or simple logic, Kakashi was part of that team. It was suggested that the four shinobi meet for lunch to further discuss their task, and then, when the other two were forced to back out, Sakura found herself sharing a meal with a man she had scarcely spoken to in five years.

Conversation was steadier than she would have imagined after so long. Not to her surprise, they reminisced little. Instead their dialogue flowed around fairly typical topics for Konoha shinobi—comparing styles of shuriken, the interesting lack of activity around the borders, and whether there were any true potential candidates for Hokage besides Naruto. She was pleasantly surprised to be enjoying what had originally been a simple business lunch. She was even more surprised the next day when he appeared while she was doing paperwork and invited her for lunch again.

After the mission it became a habit, an unofficial routine. Each day Sakura found herself in the jounin breakroom, finding a way to keep herself busy and discreetly shooting glances at the clock. The exact time he arrived always varied, but between twelve and one o'clock (closer to the latter) he would materialize in the doorway and casually propose getting a bite to eat. The murmured exclamation of affirmation became a habit, as did the table they resided at the eatery. The mission had been a success, and Tsunade kept the same team together for some time. Thus, they saw each other at least once a day unfailingly.

One day Kakashi did not appear in the doorway, being with his team on an unexpected operation. Sakura chided herself for the twinge of disappointment that pulled at her. Even if she did enjoy the social time, they were nothing more than two old friends taking a lunch break. They paid for their own food, and he made no effort to seek her out beyond these engagements. What would people say, anyway, if they were seen around town? He was much older than her own age of twenty. Sakura put this unsettling thought at the back of her mind.

The lunch habit carried on through the seasons. As was to be expected, the people of Konoha began to notice the young woman slipping away daily with a man—her old sensei, no less! They began to whisper, and the whispers reached Sakura's ears.

She decided there was only one thing to be done. So, after one of their meals she mustered up her courage and asked Kakashi to meet her in a secluded park that evening.

When they both had arrived and were seated on a stiff bench, he looked at her expectantly without a word. She apprehensively told him what her decision had been. These meetings had to end.

He silently continued to look her in the eye.

Hurriedly she pushed on, explaining how the people had begun to suspect something, and since there was nothing between them anyway, it wouldn't hurt to just bring them to a close. She was lying through her teeth, but there was no way he could know that.

His only reply was that there might be something there after all.

She didn't understand.

His mouth against hers explained it clearly.

Somehow she forgot the very reason she had had wanted to end their engagements. Instead, she began openly waiting for him to come and invite her for lunch.

That, Sakura figured, was when their relationship started. Not a word was spoken of the happenings in the park, not another kiss was exchanged. There was just a tacit, underlying understanding between the two of them, and for Sakura, that was enough.

Then one day Tsunade appointed him to be part of a team for a special, S-Rank mission. Sakura knew she would miss him, but she bade him goodbye nonetheless. There was a sudden flurry of activity at the border, and he returned a week later than planned, half-dead.

Protocol prevented her from intruding on another medic's patient, and besides, she didn't know if she could face him. As soon as she knew he was well enough and back at his home, she marched over to his apartment and pounded the door violently. The second he opened it she told him exactly how she'd felt when she thought he might leave her forever, and that he'd better not do it again or she'd end his life herself. When she paused for breath he took her into his arms to silence her. She slept in his bed that night.

The next day, Konoha declared war on Otogakure.

Sakura had never known war. She had heard stories of it, or read of it in books, but she had never been alive to experience it. Now she was needed to participate. She finally understood why none of the ninja she knew kept count of the people they had killed. If she had continued tallying her exterminations, the number itself may have killed her. Instead she numbed herself against it. Eventually, murder lost its bite.

The final blow against Orochimaru was fittingly given by Naruto, an act that caused the diminished population of villagers to bestow upon him the title of hero. Yet not even the ever-optimistic Naruto could find any good in a ruined village, a dead Hokage and an army of ninja cut down to a third of their original size.

Sakura's anesthetic wore off, and she cried for three days before she sought out Kakashi. He had been placed in a much higher-ranking squadron than she, and so they'd hardly seen each other throughout the entire ordeal. Now she wondered what would become of their relationship.

As was to be expected after such a huge incident, their very natures changed. They became two very broken people who found solace in each other's arms. Sakura found herself going to his apartment increasingly. She didn't care what people thought anymore; she was twenty-one now and at times felt twice that. She wasn't a sweet little girl anymore, nor was she a cold-blooded assassin. She was somewhere in between, and had no idea how to decipher the exact location. She doubted Kakashi could help, but somehow being with him was a distraction and a comfort.

She didn't know when it was that she realized she was in love with him. Similarly, she didn't know why she couldn't tell him. For some reason she just couldn't see a future in this entanglement of theirs—or at least, one that conformed with all of her ideals of romance. Then again, she didn't even know what her ideals were anymore. She didn't know how he felt, whether she was anything to him other than someone to seek refuge in. Whatever the case, she didn't want to endanger their situation. So it continued on.

And then Sasuke came back.

When she went to Kakashi's apartment that evening, instead of heading straight for his room, she suggested walking to the park. If he were surprised at this unusual request, he did not say so. Kakashi did not need his Sharingan eye to be perceptive.

They sat on the hillside by the tree, since the bench of more than a year ago had been obliterated. Instead of viewing the streetlamps of Konoha, before them lay a disarray of crumbled buildings, weak golden lights flickering from among the rubble. It made Sakura feel sadder than she had ever known. But somehow it paled in comparison to what she was about to tell him.

She arranged herself in his arms, pulling them snugly around her. She feigned defense against the cold, but really she savoured just the feeling of _him_, nothing else. She breathed in deeply to take in the scent she knew better than anything else in the world. Sakura wished she could live moments like this until the end of time. However, this would probably be the last opportunity they had to be together.

"You want to tell me something." As usual, he had sensed her thoughts before she could voice them. There was no escape, no turning back now.

"Sasuke asked me to marry him this afternoon."

She could not see his reaction but rather felt it ever so slightly in his body. A long moment passed before he spoke, softly, huskily.

"And you said yes." It was not a question.

"I did."

Another long moment, then, quietly: "Why?"

She sighed and pulled him closer around her. Instinctively he tightened his hold. "He needs me, Kakashi."

"People say that every day," he said steadily. "Yet they still manage to go on. Emotionally, humans don't need other humans to live."

"What else can I do, Kakashi?" she cried out. "He has nothing, and I have no future. He's giving me a future!"

"And you have no future with me."

"I didn't say that." Silence continued for the next couple of minutes. Sakura uncertainly glanced over her shoulder. Then she saw a certain look in his exposed eye, and she knew there was one more thing she had to tell him. This time she loosened his grip on her and swiveled to face him, keeping a close lock on his gaze. "Kakashi. I'm going to be faithful to him."

His brow furrowed slightly. "Why?"

"Because…." Suddenly she wished she could break their stare, but his bare orb held her still. It was just like the day of the first time they had been together, when that simple look had led her all the way to his room. "Because no one else has been faithful to him." It was the simple truth. Everyone he had ever trusted had left him, used him, hurt him. She owed him that much.

She knew without saying that Kakashi didn't like it. Cautiously she reached out to smooth his hair, then caress his face. His eye followed her hand, and hers were on him. She had seen him at some of his most vulnerable moments, but never so strained. He reached out and grabbed her hand by the wrist.

"Sakura, I lo—"

"Don't say it." She covered his clothed lips with her free hand. He fixed his eye on her. She avoided it as it searched her face.

"You don't have to do this," he said. "Sakura, is he—forcing you to marry him? Because if he is, I can—"

"No, Kakashi," she cut him off again. "I made this decision on my own. And I'm going to keep it."

He breathed in and out, a heavy breath that carried perplexity, dejection and resolution. Slowly his wiry hand extended to take a strand of roseate hair between his fingers. Sakura took a breath of her own as he curled the strand around his fingertips. It was nearly impossible to conceal the catch in her throat.

For the next few moments Kakashi appeared to be concentrating deeply on the tress against his skin. Absently he asked, "When is it to be?"

"A week from now," Sakura answered quietly. "We're not going to have a wedding—just a short service. Ten minutes, and then I'll be with Sasuke for the rest of my life." Kakashi's face hardened, but he said nothing.

"Uchiha Sakura," Sakura mused softly. "Funny, ten years ago I would have given my body, heart and soul for that name. Now I have to give my body. My body is needed. I have to produce strong Uchihas, to keep the blood running. I have to help Konoha. I have…a duty. It's like a lifelong mission. And it won't be completed, not until I die." She wasn't speaking to him anymore. The tears running down her face weren't for him, either.

Kakashi let go of her hair, and affixed his arms around her again instead.

Sakura would have wanted to have a last time with him, but it just didn't feel right. If she wouldn't deviate from her marriage, she shouldn't from her engagement either. She was aware that Kakashi was disappointed, but all she could do was hope he understood. She also grasped the fact that they couldn't interact overmuch once she was married—she wasn't sure they'd be able to withstand the temptation. When she was told he was no longer a member of her team, she knew he had realized it as well.

They never said goodbye. The meeting on the hillside had ended with a slow, long, otherwise chaste kiss laced with parting and unspoken despair. Despite the simple service, there were still preparations to be made and boxes to be filled with Sakura's few belongings. Ino helped her, her face portraying sympathy and compassion behind premature lines. Sakura was not the only one in Konoha to lose a lover.

Sasuke's face was unreadable as she came down the aisle towards him. Naruto's bravado was absent, as was Ino's usual liveliness. No one else had been invited. Sasuke did not care about guests, and Sakura discreetly left their former team leader unmentioned. It was a bleak, rainy day in mid-September. The service was simple and devoid of emotion. As her smooth hand was placed in Sasuke's chilled appendage, it was all she could do not to shiver. The deed was done. And it was Sakura's intention to put her soul into it.

Then as they exited the building, husband and wife, a quick flash of movement caught her eye. She glanced at Sasuke, but he appeared not to have noticed. When she looked again, she saw them. A shock of silver hair, and a dark eye, deep in the shadows where hardly anyone could see. He had come to see her off on her wedding day.

It was his goodbye.

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